back to december

it's been almost a month.
from we argued, till we broke up, getting back and trying to work things out, and finally totally broke up.
everything just happened way to fast.
the past few weeks were my really hard time.
i have to fight with my emotion, and control my mind not to be affected by what he did to me, and forced myself to study for my FINALS.


from the day he accept the deal for trying to build back the damage.
my heart never feel easy, cause even though he did accept, but i clearly know he never want the relation anymore, but still, i told myself never give up, just because i thought that is me the factor who made the wrong move by easily saying broke up so made things worst, thus i have to bear with the consequences.


initially, the deal is for one month, but guess what, he told me to stop, just right after 1 week.
and the day he said so, is 29th, which is our anniversary date. so make it nicely, we officially broke up at the 6th month.


at that week, i did something i wouldn't do, i lost myself, just to treasure him, as compensation? and hoping him to gain back the feeling. i was suffer, because i blamed on myself but hurting him, as he said that my suggesting break up broke his heart which made him lost all the feelings on me, within that 2 days.


i believed his words, i even blamed on myself more. so i tried harder to gain his heart. but finally i told myself to wake up.


until the day he mentioned about that, the next day was my exam. of course i m sad, as i've expected. but still i tell myself to stay strong and face my exam and wanted to do well in it. and finally i been through all that. with my broken heart, and numb feeling.


i clearly remembered how he treated me in that week. pretending, faking, forcing himself to hold my hand, hug me, kissed me..i knew that week, he almost went out with his buddies with gang of gals EVER NIGHT. of course, i'm sad, but still i hided all my sadness and turning it out with concern and calls. but finally what i got to know is, after 1 week we broke up, which suggested by him, the week after, he's already going for another gal. but the worst things for me is, he said that he wanna calm himself down and don't wanna go for any relation for current situation, but all of his words, was just so sarcastic to me after i get to know the truth.


maybe i should have known all these when the moment we get together at the begin. he can just came after me when he just broke up with his x girlfriend and his reason to me is, his heart already numb at their 6th months of being together. and how silly of me, believe about it.


well, i thought i've met my mr.right when i found him. at our first met during 2009 at his x girl friend's birthday party. the feelings of knowing each other with good feeling but can't take any move at that moment, until last year when we both really get back to mixing around and started to get close. everything is just so dramatic, and the romance is there. from the first time my heart telling me that we will get together in the future, and it really did. until now, we broke up, which is the part that i never expect and predict.


i can't deny that the past 6 months was really a very good memory for me. we travel together with frens, do a lot of things together, spend time with friends and family, went for road trip, and everything. of course by spending lots of time together, we get to know what each other's thinking as well. we can even know about what each of us gotta wear for the occasion, what we gotta say for the next words, and the next move..all of these made me thought of he's really the one i gotta spent my life with.


although when our story goes to the breaking part, my heart still never blame on him for not trying to get me back because all i remembered just all the happy moment we spent with but, when the moment i knew about he's going for another gal, and from his words all he mentioned about the gal with all his happiness and how good he praised about her..how perfect she is to him.


my heart broke, into even smaller part. i asked myself, is he really the one i've spent my time with for the past 6months with all my sincerity and love, cares? if i did, if he was, why he can does so when we just broke up for not even 1month? i'm doubt, i asked myself, did i treat him right for all the time? my heart whispering and answered me, i did. if i really do, why he can turned to become like that and treated me so? i don't understand. all the words he said to me before, is it just a sweet talk to make me happy for while? or he's just really a playboy who expert in love game?


i'm glad that all my frens support me, and telling me the fact that, he's just not that into me, he's just fooling me, he got another girl thus will dump you just like that....
but, no one know what my feeling when we both together, i know the feeling best, i heard his words, i marked it, i remembered it. but, till now, i still can't give myself a certain reason, why he will treat me so? although he threw every reasons of why he choose to leave to me, by twisting the fact, by backing up himself just to make himself pride? right?


at this moment, i think i've been to the stage of ---numb..i can easily speak out why we both broke up, telling my frens is he the one who did the wrong things, which is the real fact, but the louder i speak, the more my heart feel numb. i can't even feel any pain anymore, because i tell myself, i did nothing wrong. but i can't figure out what he meant to me right now. if u ask me, will i still be friend with him? i will say no. just because i used to loved him too much, and get these kind of compensate in return. 


i understand love isn't a business. there's no right or wrong, there is no fixed price, there is no fairness in love.


since last week, i make myself full with every plan if possible, just to make myself load with tons of activities. everywhere i go, automatically pops out his face, the place we used to sit before, the meal we ate before..the words he spoke to me before...


if you ask me, if right now he turned back to me, and admit all his fault, will i accept him and get back together?


i would tell you a big no no. rationally, i couldn't accept his unfaithful, by just simply go for another gal after we broke up not even one month, but in my heart, although it has torn into pieces, but, he never leaves, even until now.